marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
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CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
#MeanwhileInCanada
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”