No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
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My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
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I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over