New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
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At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)