me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
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You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
What do you hear?
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody