ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
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When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Air pods looking like an angry frog
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I’m giving up ice.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.