[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
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“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
me irl
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
started wrapping my pills in cheese
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *