German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
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The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
“you recording!?”
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
🔦🌙👣
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes