It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
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[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago