[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
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I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Does it…does it take 3 days
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
How it started: How it’s going:
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*