I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
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ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
this could fix me