Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
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Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
This is why I hate group projects
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Banana is the quietest snack
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z