🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
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[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
podcasts
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!