[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
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If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I am HOWLING at this
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship