Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
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Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Midwest trash talk
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*