Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
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Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.