Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
You Might Also Like
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Damn what did I do next
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
🤣🤣💀
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.