Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
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Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
mood
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Which wines pair best with gloating?