I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
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Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
felt that
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van