me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
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If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety