I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
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Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.