Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
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[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder