I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
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It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god