Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
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New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
*Inspirational Tweets*
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.