Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
You Might Also Like
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?