You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
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If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.