The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
You Might Also Like
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!