[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
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Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I’m Sold!