My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
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Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
hmm conte-me mais
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”