So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
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I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*