Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
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People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Finally, an explanation.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
pizza
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”