If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
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I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Today’s Times
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes