Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
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I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
This is what makes twitter great
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free