I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
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[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
peep davidson
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?