Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
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I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
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All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.