Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
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I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?