Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
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My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Happy Febuary everyone!
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991