My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
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“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Well, shit
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign