*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
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“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
me refusing to leave twitter
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care