In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
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*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs