My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
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this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
doing some research
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]