*pronounces surface like Versace*
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Close call…
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
stand with me against insufficient seating
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here