Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
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I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
plums roundup
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.