The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
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I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
How all things should be taught/explained.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Google assistant rules
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.