My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
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Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.