If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
You Might Also Like
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Name another movie that mislead you?
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!