I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
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Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”