Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
You Might Also Like
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?