A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
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wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”