donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
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My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.