My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
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SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
How did we not see this back then?
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.